For as long as I can remember, I have been an anxious person. Every little thing scared me. Death was the thing I feared most and I often had very disturbing thoughts about it. Of course, after becoming a Christian in high school I didn’t fear death like I did when I was younger because I knew that I would go to heaven and be with Jesus.
Still, after giving my life to Christ there were still some things that needed some change in my life. I brought some things over into my new life and wrestled with them. One of those things was lustful thoughts.
Not long after my college graduation last year I became really sad. Depressed actually. I just felt I was being bad towards God.
My mom took me to a Backstreet Boys concert as a gift to me for graduating at the end of May. She wondered why I was so out of it that night. I mean, this is my favorite band and we had great seats! I should have been so happy. Yet, even the band couldn’t cheer me up. The next morning I found myself weeping…in fact moaning and groaning over my sin, sitting down like a small child and repeatedly saying sorry to God.
Later that day I called up two girl friends I trusted and told them what I’d been going through and asked them to pray for me and keep me accountable.The next few months were wonderful. It’s been almost a year and I am doing well. My thoughts with sexuality are in check.
But something else has come to my attention as a problem that needs to be dealt with.
For years I defended it. I claimed it as my own. I used it as an excuse. I held on to it.
I now know it is a problem and a sin and doesn’t belong in my life.
See, I could go a few weeks to a month or two and be fine emotionally and manage well. Then something would happen- an event, a thought, a craving, whatever and I would fall apart and not be able to function. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep well and I’m angry. Really, really angry. And I think to myself- “wow, I must be so bad that God would do this to me..” “He is probably still punishing me for all the lust stuff…” “I’m going to die like this- miserable and without accomplishing anything in life- I just took up precious space and did nothing important with my life, so why did he even create me.”
Oh yeah, it would get THAT bad.
True, I’ve had a lot of painful things happen to me growing up- I’ve been bullied, abandoned by friends and heartbroken by boys, all the while anxiety making those things much, much worse than they were.
Becoming a Christian should have changed that, but no one told me I had a problem…because I didn’t tell anyone I had a problem. Just like the lust thing, I swept this one under the rug for a long time before confessing it and making a promise to change.
I prayed about this the other night and God put a friend on my heart. I texted her the following morning and she called me back a few minutes later to let me know she would be keeping me accountable and praying for me. Here’s what I sent her:
Hey, Milly! I hope you are well!
I was praying about something last night and the Lord brought you to my mind.
So, last summer, not long after I graduated I found myself crying because I realized I had been continuing to sin against God with a way that I was thinking about things. I was allowing my thoughts to go into ungodly territory, basically. I remembered James 5:16-Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
And decided to confess my sin to two trusted Christian girl friends. They prayed for me and kept me accountable and I’ve since been free of that sin.
Anxiety does not honor and glorify the Lord and it’s been causing me much grief.
I have been an anxious person for as long as I can remember. It paralyzed me. As a kid I was afraid of a lot of things. In my teens it affected me so much I had to take medication. Since the start of this year I have struggled to keep my thoughts in line with the word of God and trust Him. I’ve had a lot of things happen to me growing up and I’m haunted by a lot of painful things, so I tend to be afraid. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of failing…
I know God is powerful and I remind myself of His grace daily, but anxieties still cripple me and I know it is sinful.
Would you keep me accountable as I pray and work on this so that I can be free of anxiety once and for all?
I really do thank you for being my friend and praying for me. I’m so blessed to have you in my life! God Bless You, my friend! ❤️❤️❤️
So now that I know, from now on I will fight, not fall for those thoughts or feelings, but stand firm in the truth.
- When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:17-19 ESV)
- Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. (James 1:12 ESV)
- fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 ESV)
- A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back. (Proverbs 29:11 NASB)
- My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. (Psalms 62:5-7 NASB)
Will YOU keep me accountable?
I would appreciate your prayers.
Are you struggling with anxiety? Leave me a comment and I will keep you in prayer.
I love you guys. Thank you for your support and prayers. They mean a lot to me.
God Bless You all. :)